Humor - Robber Shoots Man with Dog

I have been having a creative drought recently. It's not actually writer's block, I've just been so angry at everything that humor is hiding in the corner and peeing in its pants out of fear. Well, it's time to speak in a sticky-sweet voice and to do my best to coax the little bugger out of its hiding place.

As I am wont to do at times like this (I call it being awake), I began to browse the Internet news services for news that shouldn't be.

It took an inordinate amount of time to find anything this go round. I found so many things that made me want to scream or do bodily injury to someone--criminals that got away, police giving tickets to mothers for stopping to read the small print on a parking sign, and the father in Indonesia that purposely got his son hooked on cigarettes when the baby wasn't even two years old only so he could use him as a tourist attraction: the two pack a day baby!!!

They all deserve a good swift boot to the head.

But I repress! (Constantly!)

I did find some good stuff though, but will it be enough? Only time will tell.

...

...

Okay, that's enough waiting. On to the headlines that tell it the way it never was.

I am oft amused ("oft" is a short way to say "often", which means more than none but fewer than all the time--you can see how it has saved us massive amounts of time in this sentence can't you?) at how badly some headlines are written. I've noted these kinds of oddities before, but I found a massive mother load of messed-up, main headers that I just had to bring to your attention.

Whenever a plane crashes, we depend on our news reporters to give us the whole story and to synopsinate it with a precise, succinct headline which tells the whole story. Like this: Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.

And, when another plane went down, they didn't do it very well as stated in this headline: Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.

This kind of thing seems to extend to other modes of transportation too: Two Soviet Ships Collide, One Dies.

Even in space: Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft.

I realized that our private lives aren't even safe from these rogue headlines, as seen here: Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training; Is There a Ring of Debris Around Uranus?; Prostitutes Appeal to Pope; Panda Mating Fails - Veterinarian Takes Over; Statistics Show that Teen Pregnancy Drops Off Significantly After Age 25.

This kind of pseudo-informative writing even affects our boys in blue and the judicial system: Drunk Gets A Month in Violin Case; Hospitals are Sued By 7 Foot Doctors; Enfields Couple Slain - Police Suspect Homicide; Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant; Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim; Stolen Painting Found by Tree; Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years; Arson Suspect is Held in Massachusetts Fire.

Ahh! Good times. I feel much better. I hope I've been able to bring a smile to your face. I should feel fortunate though. After all, I'm just suffering a creative lull. It could be worse: "Some Pieces of Rock Hudson Sold at Auction."